FEAR

Does FEAR stand for Fuck Everything And Run, or False Evidence Appearing Real?  Right now I want to Fuck Everything And Run.  I am in fear because of this damn job search and the state of my finances.  I am afraid that I am burning out my family because of my constant NEED.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to work a full-time job.  I am just a ball of FEAR.  I got quite suicidal a couple of hours ago, but imagining my family getting the news was enough to bring me back from the edge and set my ass over to the computer to apply for some jobs.  Then I became fearful again.  Jesus!  What is going to become of me??  I know I was in this horrible place before I took the CEH test, and then I passed it.  Sometimes it’s darkest right before dawn.  I know.  Well, it’s dark right now.  I hate that my mood can plummet to the depths of despair and I want to kill myself.  I wish I had more faith in life.  It’s just this damn fear taking over.  I don’t know what to tell myself.

If this were someone else’s blog I’m sure I’d comment and ask if they contacted their therapist or their doctor.  And the answer to that is No.  Because I don’t want to go into the hospital.  I think that would be a giant step backwards and would just stress me out more.  I think I need to ride this out and work through it and keep applying for jobs.  Hope that doesn’t sound like bullshit but that’s what I truly believe.

The Struggle is REAL!

I feel like I hit rock bottom this weekend.  I hit my threshold of “when I get down to this amount of money, I panic” and I began to panic.  I worked on my studying and took a practice test upon which I did not do well.  Then I freaked out majorly and got suicidal for awhile because I was so scared about failing this test and how am I gonna get a job no one wants to interview me and what am I gonna do if I run out of money and how am I gonna take care of these birds and how will I pay the rent?  I know, breathe!  I got so sad thinking of my family getting the news I was dead, and to YOU guys, I would be another dead blogger, another Bipolar fatality, GOD I got to feeling guilty about all the people I would hurt and let down!  And then I thought….you could sell your car instead of killing yourself couldn’t you?  I mean, the baby birds haven’t even been born!  And I thought yeah, my life is worth more than my car.  I could sell my car and buy myself a little time and sanity and just buy a beater car that gets me from Point A to Point B, I mean, I’d be sad to sell my car, but I’d rather LIVE and not be destitute, I think….So I went and washed my car and vacuumed it and took pictures of it and listed it on Craigslist.  Done.  We’ll see what the Gods have in store for me.  So, that’s how my Sunday went, a little Bipolar rollercoaster for ya!  How has yours been?

Life Is Turned Upside Down

Well, it just takes one little conversation to turn life upside down sometimes.  In this particular instance, it was my dear sister whom I live with, who came down to “check in” with me, and informed me that she “needs her space” and needs me to move out of her house.  Boy I did not see that one coming.  While it’s true that there’s been times I’ve felt unwelcome here, I thought that overall she saw my being here as a benefit when it comes to her two kids, and having an extra adult in the home.  I guess not.

 So, a little bit of turmoil.  No, lots of turmoil.  Because the money I’m making right now isn’t enough to support me in my own place.  And the last time I had a full-time job, I was so stressed out, and wanted to die, on the regular.  And now, I’m looking at having to get another full-time job.  Ready or not.  Well or not.  Able or not.  So, with a gag in my throat, I have applied for three IT jobs today.  Really, they’ll probably all laugh me out of the room.  I haven’t worked in the field in 2 ½ years.  Fuck me!  But, what am I supposed to do?  This is an expensive-as-hell town and I need to make some money.  Oh God, this is so not me…..

 Have I mentioned that I basically hate my sister for putting me in this situation?  I know, I know, she has a right to her space.  It’s her house, if she wants me to move out, she has a right to ask.  But Jesus Christ!  Does she realize what a fucking crisis this is creating for me?????

Well enough of this Debbie Downer post.  I don’t know what to tell you, or ME, for that matter.  Life has to go on.  I think.  I HAVE thought about just killing myself to get out of this difficult situation.  But once again I think about all the people I’d hurt, and I’m like, fuck, I better live.  DAMMIT!!

RIP Robin Williams

I am so sad that Robin Williams lost the battle with this illness. Whether he had depression or bipolar disorder (to me all signs point to bipolar) is immaterial. What IS relevant here is that the illness took his life. For such a bright light to be snuffed out just breaks my heart. I am so sad for him, and where he must have been emotionally, to be able to put a noose around his neck and leave this world. I also feel like when one person loses the fight, we all lose a little bit. I am so sad. I have cried today. How many people have cried? How many lives did Robin Williams touch? Not just with his bright, sparkling humor but with his deep, loving compassion?

When my sister worked at UCSF in San Francisco, there was a high school wrestling star who had a catastrophic injury to one of his legs that cut off circulation to the limb, and they had to amputate below the knee. This was an athlete who was on his way to a scholarship in college. The doctors told his parents that they could provide him with an average, run of the mill prosthetic so that he could walk, but he would never wrestle again. Or, for fifty thousand dollars, they could provide him with the Cadillac of prosthetics, which would enable him to return to his sport. Needless to say, the boy’s insurance company would not cover the Cadillac of prosthetics. Somehow, word of this young man’s plight got to Robin Williams, and he contributed the fifty thousand dollars that gave this boy a second chance at life.

This is just one of many examples of what a huge heart this man had. Such love, and kindness, killed by this damn disease. I am overwhelmed by the tragedy of it. I want to re-commit to doing everything in my power to NEVER GO THERE. I am dedicating this blog entry to the memory of the great Robin Williams. Rest in peace.