Moose Tracks And Memories

What did I have for dinner?  Extreme Moose Tracks ice cream with caramel sauce.  TWO BOWLS!!  I am not the model of balance, ladies and gentlemen.  But GODDAMN is it good!!!!  I’ve been doing daily yoga and meditation because my little Pixie cousin sold me on it, saying it’s proven to help with depression.  Well I have to confess I didn’t do the yoga today 😦  I hate going off my rhythm because I’m afraid I won’t gain it back.  Looks like I’ll either have to do it now, at 8:30pm, or I’ll have to forgive myself for missing a day.  I’ll need to think about that for a second.

Self-forgiveness is high on my list of things to do.  I have so many regrets about my life and how it has turned out and I really need to practice compassion and forgiveness with myself.  I think flogging myself for my past wrongs has become a bad habit that I need to let go of.  I have been tapping with the phrase “I deeply and completely forgive myself for all of my past wrongs.”  I need to clean the slate and allow myself to go forward with life.

I woke up the other morning thinking about these kids I used to take care of probably twenty years ago.  I know I took good care of them but I also know that sometimes my temper flared and that that was scary for them.  I went and looked them up on Facebook and was shocked to see that they’re all grown up.  I didn’t friend them, though, because I don’t know what kind of memories they have of me.  Again, I need to forgive myself.  I wasn’t perfect, but I really did love those kids.

These days I get to spend my Wednesdays with my niece and nephew and the time is golden to me.  I love them to pieces and recall explaining to them while we were in California what it was like to love someone so much that you knew you’d lay down your life for them.  That is how I feel about them.  I’m grateful to be able to experience such love.

Well my lease is up on my apartment at the end of August and I won’t be renewing it.  I HATE the idea of moving again, and really what I’m contemplating is putting my stuff in storage and going South for the winter.  Seeing as the last two winters I’ve ended up in the looney bin, I’d like to try a new approach for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (just a little enhancement to go on top of the Bipolar Depression that puts me completely over the edge).  Would the slightly longer days, coupled with warmer weather and the chance to spend time at the beach keep me sane?  I think I’m willing to experiment.  Something’s gotta give here.

I think I’ll go watch some more Cops (another guilty pleasure).  There’s something about watching these dumb fucks getting in trouble, and thinking “That could be me!” – but it’s not.  And I’m glad.  I guess that’s my cheap thrill for the day.  Hope your Hump Day includes a good hump, if you’re into that sort of thing 😀  Peach out!

The Solution Is ACTION!

If you’ve ever read my blog before you may know that I am on Long Term Disability (Private, not SSDI) due to this delicious disorder we call Bipolar. One of the hardest things for me is finding meaning and purpose in my days, when I have absolutely no structure and could conceivably spend the whole day stoned out of my mind watching Snapped on the idiot box. I actually have done that a couple of times, and the depression hangover is UNREAL!!! A couple of people have inspired me to do better, and I want to cyber-kiss them right now. The first is Oh Temp who published Alternatives To Self-Destructive Acts. This was SO INSPIRING to me and I immediately started to compile my own list in my head. The second person is my friend SlimShady who is also on Disability and told me he keeps a running to-do list and requires himself to accomplish at least four items off his list each day. I have started doing that and it REALLY helps.

One of the ways in which I am really self-destructive is that I procrastinate. Right off the bat that might not seem like it’s self-destructive but for me it is, because it’s a cycle, of putting off things, then beating myself up for not doing them, then I have all this baggage about whatever the thing is, and it builds up into a wayyyy bigger thing that it really is, and I just can’t get started, and the procrastination cycle perpetuates itself. I have been using Tapping very effectively to overcome some of my bad Procrastination habits and IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!! YEAH! I also will catch myself starting to think the procrastinating thoughts, because it’s such a long-standing habit, and I stop myself and say to myself, “Don’t think, just act!” This circumvents the whole mind-fucking system.

I am feeling great today because I was starting to fall into the procrastination/beating up on myself pool of shit, and somehow I Tapped my way out, and did what my “Healthy Self” wanted and needed to do. I am really happy about that. Hope you all had a great Monday. Peach Out!!

Another Day, Another Tap

Hello from the Tapping Headquarters of Boulder, Colorado. Yes I am still Tapping and yes it is still working me over. It’s so monumental to me to see a willingness to look at and let go of this old shit that has been ruling my life!! I have to say that I think one of the most powerful healing tools we can employ is WILLINGNESS!! I have spent a lot of time being stuck, being defiant, being justified in my anger, grief, pain, and/or just general stuck-ness. I have to say, I’m over it! I don’t want to do it anymore! But these feelings have become HABITS that are like well-worn grooves in my brain, the record wants to play over and over again! Tapping is helping me to let go of those old habits that for sure do not serve me. It takes courage to change! I don’t know what’s out there! I don’t know what’s next! But I DO know that I don’t want more of the same. Onward and upward!!

Holy Shit Tapping Really Works!!

I’ve had some pretty big life events in the past few days. First, I was terminated from my job (you know, the one I hate so much, that I’ve been off on Disability from). Second, this girl with the worst case of stage fright you’ve ever seen (It’s been bogging me down and making me sad for 20+years) got up and sang not one but TWO songs at Karaoke tonight (my first Karaoke experience). And I didn’t even shit my pants!!! Wow oh wow am I am a happy girl!

With the job loss, I have been tapping, saying “I am safe and secure.” And lo and behold, I HAVE been feeling quite safe and secure, not having the major meltdown like I would have in the past. While I was waiting for my friend tonight at the bar, I tapped “I can sing in public.” I can’t TELL you what a HOLY SHIT experience this was for me!! I actually SANG! AND I WAS GOOD!!!!!!!!!

To say that this has been a transformative few days would be an understatement. Tapping is really helping me to change my life! Shit that I’ve spent ten or twenty years talking about in Talk Therapy (with no change) is CHANGING!! I can’t tell you how good this feels!! Releasing the old shit that has hurt me for years. It’s like a miracle! I encourage you to Google “Tapping”, or look it up on YouTube. Do it, and then let me know how it goes. It’s Tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It’s real. Thank God, whatever or whoever that is. I am grateful.

Tapping! Can This Heal?

I just learned today about “Tapping”, or EFT. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques. I have some deep-rooted sadness that I feel has defined me for years. The sadness is about not being a mother, which I always wanted VERY MUCH, and has not happened for me for whatever reasons. Now, I am past the childbearing years and I am grieving not being a mother. The other HUGE sadness I have is over a domestic violence experience that really destroyed me, on my thirty-fifth birthday. The truth is that I haven’t had a Love relationship since then, and that is almost thirteen years ago. To say the experience devastated me is an understatement. I have tried so many different types of therapy to release the sadness of these two things, and I haven’t been able to let it go. But shit, I’ll try anything that might help! I really want to be free of this. REALLY!!! So, I am trying tapping now. If you’re interested, go to You Tube and search for tapping. Here’s one video I watched and found very helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfZBHWSbrsg. I am going to keep trying tapping on my “brokenness”, as I see it. I will report back the results. PLEASE have a great weekend! Peach out, homies 🙂